Epistolary by Subhadra Jayaraman

from: Francis D’Souza <francis784259@hotmail.com>
to: Sameera D’Souza <sdsouza@yale.edu>
subject: hello my daughter!!!!
date: 16-Aug-2020
time: 14:56 PM

Dearest Daughter Sameera,

Robert, who is your brother, just taught me how to use emailing. Apparently, it is like a letter, but instead of a postman, a computer robot delivers it to you. Did you update your address for the robot? Tell me when it delivers! I just wanted to know if you are all settled at University. I WAS REMEMBERING YOU TODAY SO I MADE SOME PANCAKES THAT YOU REALLY LIKE. I DON’T KNOW WHY IT IS CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE BEEN HITTING THE KEYBOARD TOO HARD MAYBE?

SEND UR REPLY THROUGH THE ROBOT.

LOVE,
FRANCIS (YOUR MOTHER)

from: Sameera D’Souza <sdsouza@yale.edu>
to: Francis D’Souza <francis784259@hotmail.com>
subject: RE: hello my daughter!!!!
date: 16-Aug-2020
time: 15:07 PM

hi mum!

you’re hilarious!! 😀 😀

I am all good here. first week of classes was fab! i’m lovin’ all the energy here. made a coupla friends already in my class, and we’re going to see an art show next week!

There are no robots who deliver at my doorstep. emails just get sent through the internet. also, who made this ridiculous email ID for you? WTH is 784259?

And, there is a button on your keyboard that says “CapsLk”. you can press that to get rid of the capital letters.

P.S. – I know Robert is my brother, mum! 😀
Love you loads!
Sam

from: Francis D’Souza <francis784259@hotmail.com>
to: Sameera D’Souza <sdsouza@yale.edu>
subject: RE:RE: hello my daughter!!!!
date: 17-Aug-2020
time: 18:23 PM

Hello, My Daughter Sameera,

Question 1: what is :D?

Question 2: Where is this art show? Don’t go too far from your dormitory.

Question 3: Who are the two people you made friends with? Are they boys or girls? Or are they one of the kids who don’t know that yet?

Question 4: Can this email robot or internet person read our letters to each other?

I figured out how to use the CapsLk button. Thank you!

Love,
Francis (your mother)

from: Sameera D’Souza <sdsouza@yale.edu>
to: Francis D’Souza <francis784259@hotmail.com>
subject: RE:RE:RE: hello my daughter!!!!
date: 18-Aug-2020
time: 18:57 PM

MOM!

Hahahahaha! I just laughed my guts out for a good 10 mins!

What is this questionnaire?

Anyway, 😀 is a ‘laughing emoticon’ – if you kinda look at it sideways, it looks like a pair of eyes and an open mouth. the art show’s on campus mom, don’t worry. and both the friends I made are girls – Lily and Aanchal. They’re both from new jersey! and let’s not talk about your confusion with gender just now. and no there is no robot or internet ‘person’, and no one reads our emails, so chill!! 😀

I was missing you today, because I had eggs and toast for breakfast, and remembered your fluffy poached eggs! 😊

Love you and miss you
Sam

from: Francis D’Souza <francis784259@hotmail.com>
to: Sameera D’Souza <sdsouza@yale.edu>
cc: Robert D’Souza <hellfireflames@yahoo.com>
subject: RE:RE:RE:RE: hello my daughter!!!!
date: 19-Aug-2020
time: 09:23 AM

To My Dear Daughter Sameera,

And to the internet robot who will be reading this.  

My son, Robert, who is copied on this emailing list because he deserves an award for opening my eyes, told me that Sameera might not know this, but all our emails are intercepted and read thoroughly before getting delivered. I am writing to say that I think this is a very foul and disgraceful behavior you are all doing, reading a mother and daughter’s personal emails. You should be quite ashamed of yourself for indulging in such activities. I will hereby cease to use your emailing services and condemn this vile act in the strongest possible terms. I will use regular paper letters henceforth to communicate with my children.

Post Script – I would like to make it very clear that I am completely accepting of all genders and colors and races of people, and do not take my light words in the above messages seriously.

FRANCIS D’SOUZA!!!

from: Sameera D’Souza <sdsouza@yale.edu>
to: Francis D’Souza <francis784259@hotmail.com>
cc: Robert D’Souza <hellfireflames@yahoo.com>
subject: RE:RE:RE:RE: hello my daughter!!!!
date: 19-Aug-2020
time: 09:30 AM

SIGH!!!

Robert, imma murder you.

And mom, I’m callin’ you now!!

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